How To Miss Your Kids

Divorce is an interesting thing.   You are now mortal enemies with someone you loved dearly (in some cases).   It's even more different if there are children involved.   All of a sudden your children who you were able to see anytime you weren't busy are only available to hang out certain times of the month.

If you,  like me, miss your kids like nothing you have ever experienced when they are not with you what do you do?  You could ask the opposing parent for additional parenting time but if your situation is anything like mine you would have a better chance growing taller overnight.

So what do you do?  You can ask for more parenting time through the courts and you may or may not get it but what do you do during the interim?  Thought you would never ask....

This is what I've done.  My twin daughters are turning six this year and since they turned three I opened an email account for them and I'll write them periodic messages.   This is a way to feel an emotional connection with your children by writing them now in a perceived future.   Make sure you remember the e-mail password and above all else keep it classy.   Divorce is between you and your ex and should have nothing to do with your children.   This email journaling should just be all about you and your child's relationship.

Until we read again,

Jaxon

Death On El Mero Dia De San Juan

This morning around 6:00 am  I telephoned my Ma to wish her a happy Dia De San Juan.  A tradition that started ever since the mid- 90's when we just moved to Tucson from the Mid-west.   One of my mom's favourite singers,  Antonio Aguilar, has a song about June 24th \ Dia De San Juan which has always reminds me of her. 

Some Say Divorce Is Worse Than Death

WARNING::  THE REMAINDER OF THIS POST IS PRETTY DARK  AS IT BROACHES SOME TABOO TOPICS.   READ AT YOUR OWN RISK

It has been said that one of the most traumatic things that a person can experience is the unexpected discovery of a dead body.   This happened to me as a child growing up on a Mid-Western farm.  My brother and I were raising two kittens that my mom had found in a barn, to this day I have yet to see kittens as beautiful as these two.

One morning after letting the kittens sleep in their box in the barn versus their normal place in the house my brother and I discovered two lifeless kittens lying in their homes covered in their own blood.

We spent the remainder of the day and most of the next week crying and I didn't own a cat again until I was in my 20's.

The Big D (Not Dallas) 

Three years ago to this day a somewhat similar event happened to me.  Now, before you think that it is weird that I recall this particular day in such vivid detail then I invite you to re-read the first paragraph about my Mom and the song. 

I pulled into the driveway of my home where my then wife was standing next to her Mom's car shaking vigorously and crying uncontrollably while trying to smoke a cigarette.  Long story short she told me that her and the girls moved out and she would be back at a future time to pick-up the remainder of her items.  Anything I said after that was meaningless,  her decision had been made and she was not turning back.

Shock and disbelief overcame me as I walked through a house that was vacant compared to how I had left it that day before work.   A few broken toys were strewn here and when I made it to my daughter's nursery I stood with my hand on the doorknob for a good minute or so which seemed like at eternity before I decided to walk in.....

The carpet was covered in random debris and was in desperate need of vacuuming.  Nails stuck out of the walls where appropriately themed photographs and pictures of the girls once hung.  A few empty hangers hung in the closet and reality set in when I saw the carpet indentations from where there cribs once were.

I was too shocked to cry or have any other strong outward emotion.   All I could think about was numbing the pain with a few cold ones that I went and picked up from the local grocer.   I consumed drink after drink while staring at a near empty home which was no longer filled with the sounds the joy and the love of my twin then two year old daughters....

Fast Forward To Today

Over the past three years a lot has happened to me that may or may not had happened had I not experienced what I just wrote.   The moral of the story is that as non-traditional as it sounds to most folks everything happens for a reason and if it was meant to be then it would have been.

Now,  why do they say divorce is worse than death?   In death the funeral is a sad time but usually just showcases the positive high points of a person's life.  In divorce all the bad awful things about the other person is usually showcased and over analyzed on a frequent basis and one could constantly be reminded of this person when they interact regarding the children or for other reasons

It's not easy, but recall that better experiences await you as soon as you move on.  If you are going through a similar situation than the one I went through,  my heart reaches out to you and I suggest that you get help if you need it.  A support system of friends and family is well and good but sometimes an outside perspective is what you need.

Until we read again,

Jaxon

p.s.  

"Daddy, I Used To Love You But Then...."

".....Mommy Told Me All About You" 

What a hurtful thing to hear from your own child, especially on Father's Day weekend.    This is what one of my daughters randomly told me as we were hanging out. 

What Is Parental Alienation Syndrome?

When you are done reading this post you are welcome to do a online search for "Parental Alienation Syndrome" or PAS and you will find a lot of information from websites, to videos to posts such as this.     In a nutshell this is where one parent referred to as the "Alienator" does whatever is in their power to destroy a child's relationship  with the "Targeted Parent" after the demise of the relationship. 

Les Linet MD has a great YouTube page on the topic, here is a link to one of the best videos I have seen on the subject.

Are You A Victim of PAS?

If your former partner exhibits any of the behaviours discussed in the above video you just may be a victim of PAS. 

Here are two examples of PAS from my personal experience.   This first message was sent to me by the girls mother on Father's day just moments after we got off of the telephone after discussing that day's pick up time. 

Text Sent By Mother On Father's Day

Unsolicited Text From Mother's Boyfriend

This second message is out of order and sent from my daughter's mother's boyfriend a few days after I called the police with an Interference With Judicial Proceedings complaint because my ex and her boyfriend decided that the girls weren't going to hang out with me during my court-ordered parenting time because they didn't feel like it.    What's curious about this fellow is that he abandoned his own son out of state and has refused to have a conversation with me about his role in my daughters lives for three years and counting.

What To Do If You're A Victim Of PAS?

THE FOLLOWING ADVICE IS STRICTLY MY OPINION BASED ON MY EXPERIENCE WITH THE SUBJECT.    THIS IS NOT TO BE TAKEN AS LEGAL OR MEDICAL ADVICE AND IT IS SUGGESTED THAT YOU SEEK THE ASSISTANCE OF A TRAINED MENTAL HEALTH OR LEGAL PROFESSION WHERE APPLICABLE. 

One of my favourite quotes from philosopher Fredrich Nietzsche reads:

"Battle Not With Monsters, Least Ye Become A Monster, and If You Stare Into The Abyss, the Abyss Gazes Also Into You" 

This is one thing that I didn't do and would recommend that anyone going through follow the above advice from Mr. Nietzsche.    Don't try to figure out why your former partner is acting a certain way, disallowing visitation or just acting errantly and irrationally.    Just keep a clear head, focus on what you can do to display your love as a parent and then engage the assistance of the necessary resources where appropriate. 

Easier said than done, I know.   However, this  may lend more weight than most of the generic advice that you will hear from well-meaning family, friends and acquaintances because this is coming from someone who has lived and is currently living this and is telling you precisely how he wishes he would have acted had he had the opportunity to go back and do it all over.

Until we read again, 

Jaxon

p.s.   I hope this post helps, reach out to me if you are the victim of Parental Alienation or share this with someone who is going through a similar situation.
p.p.s.   You are also welcomed and encouraged to share your experiences below because your story may just help inspire another reader or awaken something within yourself.

Do You Constantly Should Yourself?

When was the last time you 'SHOULD' yourself?

"I SHOULD be making more money."
"I SHOULDN'T be living where I live."
"I SHOULD be living _______. "
"That SHOULDN'T have happened."
"By this stage in my life I SHOULD have been; married, living in a mansion, earning $XXX/anum, etc."

The problem with the word SHOULD is the unnecessary tension that it causes because we can SHOULD ourselves all day long but nothing can change the present moment so there is no reason to try to change anything by saying that we should.    The best way to change is to use the power of this moment to realise where you are, assess your current situation and continue by making the necessary changes to create your desired future.

The moral of today's story is to stop SHOULD-ING all over yourself because it smells bad and it does you or no one else any benefit.

Until we read again,

Jaxon

p.s.   Happy Memorial Day, special thanks to those men and women who served our country.
p.p.s.   I invite you to COMMENT and FOLLOW THE BLOG

Behind Closed Doors: The Private Lessons Of A Divorce Support Group

When going through my divorce a few years ago I always wanted to but never got around to joining a Divorce Support Group.   About four months ago after doing a basic Internet search for "Divorce Support Group" in my area I serrendipitiously found one that was starting that night, two blocks from my house in 30 minutes!

Lucky for me I was still dressed for work so I made my way over to the location.  All those in attendance received a workbook,  were strongly encouraged to give an optional donation and given a high level outline of the 12 week course.  I thought that I was pretty much over my divorce by this point but I figured that I might learn a thing or two from this course or if anything I could give advice to anyone going through a similar experience that I went through.

Last night was the final meeting for the group.   I did not attend all 12 sessions,  more like five.  I met some interesting individuals along the way.  There were a couple folks going through similar challenges as I was and went through.  There was a guy that was actually getting back with his ex wife after an almost nine month separation and finally there were a few folks that had been divorced for 15+ years, remarried for a little less time than they have been divorced and still lamenting over their first marriage.

Of all the people I met there was one that made the strongest impression despite only being present at three of the five classes I attended.  Let's call this guy Mark.

Mark was a rather helpful fellow.   He stayed about 15 minutes after the first session to tell me about this Men's Rights Group he was a part of and how I needed to join and how my daughter's mother was depriving me of a ton of my rights.

The next time I saw Mark just happened to be a day after one of his Men's Rights Group meetings.   He spent the entire beginning of the session and the majority of that night's session telling me how I had missed out on a life changing event the day before.   Before leaving for the night he gave me his e-mail addressee and telephone number and invited me to a study date,  if you will, with him and some of the other guys in his Men's Group that upcoming weekend.  Needless to say I didn't make it.

The next two sessions of the group were peaceful and productive without Mark there.  Everyone was calm,  respectful and encouraging.

Fast forward to last night.  I showed up about five minutes late to a positive happy group of people and pizza for the last night.  Everyone got settled and just as class was going to start.... who came walking in but Mark...

Mark boorishly helped himself to a few slices of pizza while complaining about how bad traffic was and how parking was impossible.   When the mediator asked him how he was he commenced to tell us about all the horrors of his life while eating his free pizza with his mouth open and belching liberally in between words.

Mark's biggest gripe was about how he had been unemployed for about a year.  When members of the group chimed in to offer assistance he would push away any advice by making statements such as; "I know about that," "I've tried that, " "All the jobs are for college grads," ect.

I was on the verge of leaving during the session at several points but decided out of respect to the rest of the group that I would stick around.  Mark was on a roll the rest of the evening, making negative generalizations like they were going out of style,  complaining about anything,  interrupting others all while burping liberally and eating an entire sleeve of store brand cookies.

Finally the entire rest of the group non-verbally agreed to end the session.   We wished each other well and I ducked into the bathroom on the way out of our meeting room to avoid having to re-hear all about Mark's woes.

Now the purpose of this post is not to complain about Mark but to give you a perfect example of how NOT to act.  I wish Mark nothing but the best and hope he finds his path in life.

The morals to today's story are::

● Listen more than you speak because someone may just be trying to tell you the one thing that you are needing to hear.

● Don't interrupt others when they are talking (see the first bullet )

● Use your manners

● When speaking in a group setting only share things that you also think will also benefit others.  If you are talking just to hear yourself speak than do everyone a favor next time by staying home and practicing in front of a mirror

● Last and definitely not least I want to honor the late great Dale Carnegie and his book How To Win Friends & Influence People by reminding everyone NOT to Criticize,  Condemn or Complain because it does no good.

Until we read again,

Jaxon

p.s.  No offense to you if you are anything like Mark.  That may have been me just a few years ago. Just be cognizant how your actions affect others and of the energy you are putting out into the world.

p.p.s. Don't be a Mark.

WARNING : World's Most POWERFUL Break-up Songs

The following eight songs are all but guaranteed to make you mentally re-live some of your fondest memories with your ex and\or cast you into a bout of mid to severe depression which may lead to mild or severe use of drugs and\or alcohol. (ha, ha) 

Without further adieu, in no particular order......

TOP EIGHT MOST INTENSE BREAK-UP SONGS OF ALL TIME

• Somebody That I Used To Know by Gotye
• You'll Think of Me by Keith Urban
• Unbreak My Heart by Toni Braxton
• Let Her Go (acoustic) by Passenger
• No One's Gonna Love You by Band of Horses & by Ce-Lo Green
• Please Remember Me by Tim McGraw
• Anytime by Brian McKnight
• Blue Melodies by George Strait

Appreciate the read, trust you enjoyed the list.  Please include any songs that may have been missed below.

Until we read again,

Jaxon

How Divorce Is Like Driving Off The Side Of A Steep Cliff

So, you're going through a divorce and the person whom you once loved more than sliced bread (and\or their divorce attorney) is being difficult to deal with.  Now there are a variety of reasons why someone may feel this way but unfortunately mind-reading is not my forte.

One thing that I have discovered is that there are two main ways to look at a situation;  A/ You view a problem as inevitable so you spend all your energy focused on managing what you perceive to be inevitable or B/ You view most problems as avoidable so you spend your energy on avoiding problems or quickly eliminating a problem after it arrives.   Once you've determined the other sides philosophy on problems you can just alter your strategy accordingly.

Take for example a long windy road along the side of a mountain that at one point is near a cliff that drops 44 feet to the hard rocky ground below.  One day almost entirely out of the blue two out of every three drivers who take this road drives off the side of the cliff at the 44 foot spot meaning only 33% of the folks that drive this road make it home safely.

Taking the above example a "B" problem solver might find it wise to keep a trained fleet of ambulances at the bottom of the hill to quickly take care of all of the drivers who take the treacherous 44 foot drop.  Whereas an "A" problem solver might suggest that a strong barrier be places alongside the side off the road where all the drivers have been driving off to prevent any future injuries or casualties.

There is an obvious best way to solve this situation which would definitely prevent the most pain.  However,  if you are dealing with someone who thinks things differently then you may want to plan accordingly.

Until we read again ,

Jaxon

Future Nostalgia Vs. Past Regret

Besides the inevitable glorious present moment where do you spend a majority of your time?  Are you reliving a past event(s) or are you fantasizing about a glorious future?

Since the theme of this blog is divorce let's use that as an example.  In this day in age it is safe to say that you've either been through/ are going through or know of someone or someone who knows someone who has gone through an imperfect divorce.  Today we're going to discuss two ways in which a person can navigate through this dreadful life-altering event and let you decide the best philosophy moving forward....

THE VINDICTIVE DIVORCEE

This person re-lives and re-tells the most horrific moments of their divorce on at least a daily basis.  Bless the poor soul that happens to be in earshot when this divorcee is in story telling mode.

The saddest thing about this approach with coping for divorce is that although this may feel therapeutic at first this approach will only lead to making the situation worse.  Because not only is this person constantly dealing with unnecessary toxic feelings they are not allowing themselves to move on and maybe alienating those closest to them.  Last time I checked most folks would rather spend their time with positive uplifting people because we all have our own problems to deal with.

If you are anyone you know is taking this doom & gloom vindictive approach to their divorce there is full permission to STOP and move on.

THE GAY (HAPPY) DIVORCEE

Divorce is an invasive and traumatic experience for most so a happy approach may seem a little wacky especially when there are children or complicated matters involved.  Think about your divorce as something that was supposed to happen and like your height or skincolour something that you are not able to do anything about.

That being said accept what is and spend your time thinking about the applicable happy things awaiting you in your new future.  Whether this be more time alone to work on yourself or a career endeavor, meeting the perfect for you partner or showing your children that divorced parents can still work as a cohesive unit.

In summary, besides being present and fully taking advantage of this moment you can;  a/ continuously replay a horrid past or b/ get nostaligic and excited about those moments that await.

Until we read again,

Jaxon

p.s.  The fact that I spent over two years being bitter and vindictive after my divorce with my childrens mother makes me perfectly qualified to write this article.  Only because, I want the best for you and your life...

Free First World Problems

In a world full of the Law of Attraction it's amazing how many people think that complaining is cool.
I remember how much I laughed when I first heard about the concept of a "First World Problem" which is what only someone in a developed nation would consider a problem.  I laughed even harder when I thought about my four, yes four first world problems that I endured today.....
#1 First World Problem
No meat was served at breakfast  (which was free) just carbs; pastries, fruit and bread.   Plus the free coffee was poured in a small, measly styrofoam cup versus self-pour.
#2 First World Problem
I got a free deluxe car wash during my lunch hour and when I left work it looked like it was going to rain and a bird left a huge surprise on my hood.    :-\  Judging by the size of the surprise it may just have been a Pterodactyl.
#3 First World Problem
I had a free burrito waiting for me when I came back from my lunch but it was incredibly, almost unbearably salty and it had refried beans which are not my favourite.
#4 First World Problem
My computer didn't work so I had to write this on my smart phone.
Now, either myself or anyone else who experienced these "problems" could have mentally focused on:
* How much your breakfast and lunch fell short of your expectations.
* How annoying it would've been if it had rained on your 100% Free Deluxe Car Wash and the hassle of having to clean up some unexpected bird droppings from your perfectly washed hood.
*How much your computer sucks and how you wished you could throw it out the window.
Or you could focus on:
* How lucky you are to not only get free coffee, but to get free breakfast, lunch AND a car wash!
* How much you love the smell and sound of the rain and how you might just see an awesome rainbow or rainbows!
* How it's time to get a new computer anyway and start shopping around for the latest and greatest new technologies.   :-)
Millionaire author T. Harv Ecker has an awesome quote from one of his books that paraphrased reads "If you focus on the crap you become a living, breathing crap magnet."  
The moral of todays story is that you can focus on the dark side of your first world problems or you can focus on the bright side of them and on life.
The choice is totally yours.
Until we read again.....

Top Eight Feel Good Break-Up Songs

Breaking up may or may not be the easiest thing that you have ever gone through but music can make it easier.

These eight songs are presented in no particular order and could be great songs to help you get over that pesky ex or to sing on karaoke night.

Please comment and feel free to add suggestions!

Thank you for reading.

Top Eight Feel Good Break-Up Songs

• What Goes Around Comes Back Around by Justin Timberlake
• Cry Me A River by Michael Buble
• Don't Want You Back by Backstreet Boys
• Beautiful Day by Michael Buble
• Here For A Good Time by George Strait
• Friends in Low Places by Garth Brooks
• Bye, Bye, Bye by N'Sync
• Forget You* by Cee Lo Green

*Look for the alternate name for this song (warning - strong language)