If you spend your divorce fighting so intensely...you may get through it, but the scars will be with you forever
This is one of those blog posts where I write about what I learned going through my divorce that can help you or someone you know if they are currently going through a similar situation.
Regardless of your religious background you may have heard the story of how Jesus walked across the Sea of Galilee during a fierce storm. Besides the fellow in the Cars music video for the song "Magic" we have not heard or seen of anyone else "walk across the water." Until now.
If you are a male going through a divorce or separation with children involved your soon-to-be ex walks on water. A lesson I wish I would have learned three years ago. What I mean by this is that regardless of what she does to set you off you are always going to be perceived as in the wrong in the eyes of your children, the authorities or anyone on her side. This being said make sure that you always take the high road during your interactions with her. You may be lucky enough to not be in a high-conflict situation and if so I am happy for you. However, if you fall into the other majority feel free to take heed to my counsel.
Here is a short story that proves exactly what I am referring to.
One weekday parenting time after my ex blatantly told me via text that she was not going to allow me to pick up the girls from their in-home day care provider during my parenting time because she "didn't feel like having me seen them". Attempting to call her bluff and more importantly see my daughters, I arrived to the day care provider who would not answer the door. After I rang twice I telephoned the authorities to report her interference with the court ordered parenting time.
A couple police officers arrived to the scene within minutes spoke to me for a while, realized that I didn't call to cause any trouble but just wanted to spend some court ordered time with my children. The officers telephoned my ex and asked her to come down to the day care in order to release the girls into my custody because she had explicitly told the day care provider not to release my daughters to me that day.
When my ex wife appeared on the scene another police officer from the same jurisdiction pulled up at around the same time. I didn't know the fellow so I am not judging but he was about 5'4" and had a bad case of Napoleon complex. The new officer who didn't even acknowledge the first two officers that were present had a brief quiet conversation with my ex off to the side and then literally got in my face and attempted to bawl me out for 'wasting his time' because these matters were to go through family court not the police. Amidst his self righteous rant I calmly asked him if he had children and why he was verbally attacking me before asking to hear my side of the story. This made the little guy calm down enough to obtain the name and number of his Seargent so that I could lodge an official complaint over his uncalled for unprofessional behaviours.
After all this ruckus the other officers that I was speaking to earlier escorted my four year old partially confused, partially scared and partially excited daughters out from day care while all the other kids looked out the window to see what was going on. The oldest of the twins asked her mom, who was still there why the police were there to which her mother said that something about us all being in a 'meeting.'
At that point in would have been so easy to correct her and hurl stones at my ex in front of the girls by calling her a liar and a few other choice words and then privately with the girls during my parenting time to 'prove to the girls how (insert adjective here) their mother really is'. Howver, I chose to be the better person and avoid all that because at the end of the day, what mattered in that situation was that my daughters got to see me during the court appointed parenting time.
Moral of the story is that if your future ex wife is acting hostile, crazy, or just out of sorts TAKE THE HIGH ROAD. Focus on your breathing, keep your cool and document your experience in the event that you ever need to use it for evidence down the road. Your divorce isn't about your failed relationship; it's about the existing and future relationship with your children and that is the only thing that you should be worried about right now.
Until we read again,
Jaxon
p.s. *For more resource on a healthy divorce feel free to visit attorney and author's Karen Covy's website at www.karencovy.com
p.p.s. Also, I am not an attorney or a therapist but I do have some real-world experience with a high conflict divorce so if you feel like you or someone you know would benefit from chatting with someone with an outside perspective to give you some insight on your current situation than just drop me a quick line via jaxonxw@gmail.com because I would love to help in any way possible.
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